How to make a HOUSE Episode

The main ingredient in a House episode: Super-achiever patient with some inherent character trait. This can be a good or bad trait. Like gambling or believing in the good Lord and praying! Doesn’t matter what it is so long as House can hate it. In rare occasions the patient can be mentally ill and House may end up actually liking the patient.

The episode begins with the super-achiever (it can range anything from a really hardworking single mom who fends for and feeds 2 hungry children or a really intelligent college girl who has got straight As from grade 1 or even Haley Joel Osment from The Sixth Sense.)

For this episode let us consider its Haley Osment. So Haley is doing something really kick-ass (like winning an oscar or making pancakes or seeing dead people or maybe even watching an American pie movie. You get the point) when suddenly out of nowhere BOOM he clutches his chest and falls to the ground.

Intro Music Time!!

In comes Dr. Gregory House. Now depending upon which season you are watching there may be a varying number of qualified M.D doctors at Dr. House’s disposal. And they will all wait like 3^rd semester undergraduate medical students with the patient history.

At this point it is essential to understand the role that each person fulfills in the team.

1) The Hot chick: This chick is usually the humanitarian and will constantly pester House into making the morally sound decisions. It will remain dubious for a long time whether she has any romantic feelings for House. And just when you get your hopes up she will turn out to be lesbian/bisexual/married/dead.

2)The White Guy: Usually the dumb guy. Will make most of the mistakes and House will rag him the most. You can trust this guy to take the wrong history, do the wrong tests and come up with the wrong diagnosis. Basically this is the guy who took a few extra years to clear his MD course. This person is of no consequence to the entire scheme of things but is simply put in there for comic relief. Like perhaps Rob Schneider in Adam Sandler movies. Or Johnny Lever in Bollywood movies. His absolute incompetence makes him the adoring Robin to House’s Batman. In short he is the faithful sidekick who will never complain.

3) The Black Guy: This dude is even dumber. He will repeatedly have the “But House, that test could kill him!” dialogue. Sometimes more than once in a single episode. And just for the record, no it won’t kill him. No test House ever prescribes can kill a patient. The laws of medical science bend to accommodate House’s diagnosis! Other than that this doctor is of no consequence either.

4) Kal Penn: It took the producers an entire season to figure out that Kal Penn’s character was not doing anything in particular. It was just a case of brown guy being an additional white guy! Kal Penn would like you to believe that it was the job in white house which made him leave the series.

As I said the team will sit twiddling their thumbs until House comes. Alternatively they can abuse each other or House behind his back They will then all tell House how Haley’s heart seems to be failing. This is how the standard conversation goes from there.

Hot Chick: House we have Haley Joel Osment who had angina and was admitted. The kid can apparently see dead people.

House: You are wearing red lipstick and some of it is smudged. You were kissing the white guy weren’t you?

Hot Chick: That’s none of your business! Coming back to the patient, he presented with angina yesterday and…

House: I’m not taking this case!

Hot Chick: But house he could die!

House: Aww okay I’l take the case if you promise to open your blouse.

Chick: *rolls eyes*

White Guy: But he can see dead people!!

House: Okay okay! Guys go do a basic blood workup. We need to know if it’s an infection or an autoimmune condition

(Now in any other hospital with half competent doctors these tests would already be done on admission but as I said the twiddling of thumbs is more important and needs to be done on a priority basis)

House: Also do the stress test and see if he gets another cardiac arrest.

Black Guy: But House that could kill him!!!

House: Congratulations for pointing out the obvious. You can do the tests yourself!

Here comes the only variation in the series. This 10 minute period of the episode can vary quite a bit actually. Possible things which can happen in this space are

1) Wilson getting raped by House

2) Wilson finding a girlfriend whom House hates

3) Wilson not finding a girlfriend whom House can hate

4) Cuddy finding a boyfriend whom House hates

5) Cuddy not finding anybody whom House can hate

6) Any other member of the team getting into any sort of social conduct or misconduct or exchange, which will irk House

7) House on clinic duty

Any option you choose, House will take personal insult and snoop around and meddle in things in such a way as to embarrass Peeves from Harry Potter series! He will be an utter and a complete jerk and some how bring more misery to those around him.

Examples of Variations:

1) House VS Wilson

House walks into Wilson’s office. Wilson is usually found in his office writing something. Maybe he just likes to write stuff in his diary. Anyway back to the story.

House walks into Wilson’s office.

House: I know you are cheating on your wife.

Wilson: What makes you say that!

House: Well what were you doing last night?

Wilson: I was with my wife!

House: No you weren’t. I was with your wife last night. And you weren’t there. Maybe you were in the closet watching us. Come out of the closet Wilson everyone knows you have the hots for me!

Wilson: ???

2)House vs Cuddy

Cuddy walks into House’s office while house is playing with his walking stick and a ball.

Cuddy: You are not doing the stress test on Haley.

House: Only if you let me touch that fine posterior of yours.

Cuddy: House NO. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO THAT TEST. It’s too risky. There are other alternatives to that test.

House: Fine but why are you here.

Cuddy: What?

House: You could have told me this on a phone.

Cuddy: Yeah but…

House: Admit it you have the hots for me just like Wilson

Cuddy: ???

3)House on Clinic Duty

Patient: Doctor when I pee I end up wetting my pants!

House: Have you tried opening your zipper?

Patient: By golly that could actually work!! You are brilliant Doctor!!

Meanwhile Black guy is with Haley Joel Osment.

Black Guy: Okay now I’m going to run some tests on you.

Haley: Will they hurt.

Black guy: Not really.

Haley: Just gimme a sec to wipe my nose. Its been bleeding for quite some time now.

Black Guy: what???

*massive hematemesis*

Black Guy: Nurse, nurse we need help here!

*cowers like a little girl*

Nurse: What does this mean doctor.

Black Guy: It means that its not what we thought it was!!

We shift to House and his team meeting Part Deux

Black Guy: Okay now his lungs are failing too!

House: What can cause heart and lungs to fail?

White Guy: It could be that his failing heart caused his lung to fail. Cor Pulmonale or Congestive cardiac failure maybe. (Both diagnoses are wrong obviously, it’s the white guy! He’s never correct)

Black Guy: No a kid as young and talented as Haley cant have that.

House: Whitie you go run the tests for heart some more. Blackie you go poke the kids lung with a stick.

Black Guy: But House, that could kill him!!

House: Just do it already. Hot chick you come with me. We are going to bust into the kids home without any sort of legal permission or license and snoop around like Scooby Doo and his friends.

Chick: What do you suspect it is?

House: Von spooklocks disease!

Rest of the team: Oh yeah! Why didn’t we think of that!!

Now it doesn’t matter what the disease is. Because chances are if you have not seen that House episode you have never heard of that 1 in a million condition. But that doesn’t deter House in making that one in a million diagnosis.

While House and the hot chick are getting all comfy in Haleys house. Black guy comes to Haley.

Black Guy: Now im going to run some more tests on you.

Haley: Aww again! Please go away doctor. Every time you touch patients they start bleeding from their orifices! See now I’m peeing blood!!

Black Guy: Nurse, nurse we need help here!

*cowers like a little girl again*

Nurse: What does this mean Doctor.

Black Guy: You idiot!! It means that its not what we thought it was!!

House and his team meeting part 3

Black Guy: His kidneys are failing as well and he has hematuria(blood in his urine)

House: What causes heart, lung, and kidney damage?

White Guy: If we knew we wouldn’t be working for you!

Hot Chick: What about Amyloidosis?

House: No no that’s too easy. That would be more suitable for a Grey’s Anatomy episode. We need to incise his abdomen gain access to his kidneys and tickle them with a goose feather!

Black Guy: But House, that could kill him!!

House: You are an idiot

Black Guy: You know you are going to need Cuddy’s permission to do that though.

House VS Cuddy

House: I need permission.

Cuddy: For what?

House: To touch your boobs.

Cuddy: Permission denied. What else?

House: I also wanted to tickle my patient’s kidneys with a goose feather.

Cuddy: House, that could kill him!!

House: The black guy already tried that answer. I need that permission Mommy. Please let me do it. Just once.

Cuddy: House NO!! There are a million other safer tests. This is utterly unadvisable. And for the last time Im not your mommy!

*House has an epiphany*

Cuddy: House are you listening to me? Where are you going? Donot carry out that retarded test. HOUSE!!

House meets Haley

House: Sometimes when you are alone you think about girls and touch yourself don’t you?

Haley: Yeah. But how does that affect my case?

House: It doesn’t. I just wanted to ask you an uncomfortable question.

Haley: wtf!!

House: You lied to us.

Haley: What do you mean.

House: Your mother.

Haley: What about her

House: You lied to us about your mother. I checked your social records. Your mother isn’t who you say it is. You were born to Cher weren’t you? That’s why you were bleeding from your urethra. Infact you are related to Lady Gaga too aren’t you?

Haley: I didn’t think that would be consequential to my case. I’m so embarrassed!!

House: I know! We thought you had Von Spooklocks disease. But you don’t. You have Van speaksless disease. It is caused by having a white trash tramp for a mother. Fortunately due to my timely epiphany we aren’t late and can heal you with steroids.

Haley: Does this mean I won’t see dead people anymore?

House: No you can pretty much see Bruce Willis anytime you want.

Hallelujah another case solved!!!

This article was meant purely for comic relief. I do not intend to hurt any person or belief. No copyright infringement was intended. If any of the aforementioned has happened you have my apologies. Kindly inform me of the grievance caused, if any and I shall try to rectify its cause.

The non comprehensive review of Nokia N8

I preordered my Nokia N8 on the first of October. I was offered only 3 colours to choose from; silver-white, dark-grey, and lime-green. I‘ve been looking forward to buy an orange one. Needless to say I was disappointed and chose dark-grey. They promised my piece will be in my hands by 15^th October. I have been a Nokia loyalist for the past decade. Not being able to meet deadlines is a problem that Nokia has been plagued with since the very beginning. As a result I was skeptical that I would have my piece in my hands by the said date.

Lo and Behold!! I received a call on 13^th of the month saying that my piece was here and awaiting for me to pick it up. And just because I preordered it they were throwing in a 4gb pendrive with it. There was another surprise waiting for me at the store. They were offering me a beautiful orange piece if I’d have it. Off course I’d have it. I’ve wanted it for eons!

So I’ve been using the n8 for the past week and here’s my noob review of the latest nokia supertoy. Bear in mind that I am a casual user and this review will be from a layman’s point of view

Hardware:

The n8 is beautifully crafted. It’s encased on most sides by aluminium. The paint is anodized so it won’t peel off (like the horrendous nokia 3600) even if u scratch it with an iron nail (please don’t try this at home though). The body feels firm and stable in the hands. It’s not too heavy. The front is made up of hardened glass which provides for the capacitive touch screen. Just like the rest of the body its scratch proof too. I haven’t used a screen guard and after 1 week at least the glass looks pristine. The weakness lies in the plastic end caps. They are the only vulnerability physically speaking, and I’ve got scratches there alreadyL. The metal body means that the n8 is marginally weaker than other nokia phones at signal reception. But it’s so marginal that you would not feel the difference in most places.

The front has only one button. This button when pressed can take you to your menu or your home screen. If long pressed it can open up a menu of all open application via which you can multitask.

The left has covered panels for inserting the simcard and the memory card. The n8 comes with 16 gb memory inbuilt and no memory card is provided with the phone itself. But the phone can happily support up to 32 GB memory cards. This side also has a micro USB port. To this port we can connect the phone to PC wire (which can also charge your phone while connected to your PC) or the USB on the go wire (with which you can brose pen drives and some hard drives)

The right has the volume rocker, the lock-unlock slider and the dedicated 2 stage camera button.

The bottom has an “oldskool” nokia charger opening.

The top has the on/off button, the HDMI port and 3.2mm stereo port.

The camera is top notch. I’ve tried to take pics in complete darkness and still managed to get crystal clear clarity in my pictures. See the pic of books below. It was shot in utter darkness with automatic settings. The video camera falters in dark but is as good as a stand alone video camera in the day. I will post some pics and videos taken with the n8 in the future.

The USB on the go supports all pendrives that I have tried. It can support hard drives which can be powered up from else where. Obviously it would be too much to ask the n8 to power up and entire hard drive.

The HDMI output is something I haven’t yet tried out. I do not have an HDTV to try that feature.

The battery charge lasts for 36 hours with moderate usage. By moderate I mean about 4 hours of music and 6 hours of adobe PDF viewer. To add to it, there is a power saver mode which can make the battery last even longer. Unnecessary animations and effects are automatically switched off when in the power saver mode. They revert back to normal when you deactivate the mode.

Top notch phones now come with 1ghz processor and 512mb ram. N8 comes with 680 MHz processor and 256mb ram. But the regular user wont feel the pinch because the symbian os is frugal with resources and manages to do exceedingly well with what it’s got. The gpu takes the burden off the cpu and makes the user experience lag free and enjoyable. Think how Mac computers can do just as much as the pc with much inferior hardware. Similarly the n8 can do as good as the HTC Desire and Apple Iphone 4 with its inferior hardware. However due to this hardware the n8 is much cheaper than its competitors. The price difference between the iphone4 and n8 in India is about Rs.8000 (160$)

Software:

The symbian 3 is a huge improvement over the s60v5. It’s much faster and lag free. There are 3 home screens like the android (though top android phones now have 7). The homscreen takes a fraction of a second to switch when you swipe your finger across the screen. This is a software glitch and not a hardware limitation. The ui is programmed to change the screen with that delay. No idea why. Maybe a firmware update in the future will solve this matter.

There are some places in which the phone lags. The ‘installed applications’ section still takes forever to reload once you delete an application. The search application seems laggy sometimes. But bear in mind that it’s searching across more than 16gb of space!

The user interface is freaking ugly! The widgets seem to clutter the home screen even more. The non symbian user will hate how the phone looks and blame the operating system. Remember though that it’s the user interface which is bad. The os is very good and efficient with the hard ware it’s got.

The widgets available as of now are woefully less in number. They are however extremely useful. The menus are revamped. No more single tap/double tap problems. Long pressing things in menus can open submenus, like the android phones. Kinetic scrolling is extremely fluid due to the gpu. I can cycle through the photos, videos, sms with great speed and efficiency.

There is no qwerty keypad in the portrait mode. It only offers the standard numerical keypad in portrait. There is a full screen qwerty keypad in landscape. Though not the best this full screen qwerty is extremely good. The predictive text is excellent and you can correct your mistakes in an instant. Somehow I don’t want to use swype anymore (it’s not yet available for n8)

The net applications are still hopeless. They have too few features and are primitive The browser is slow and tedious. Fortunately there are 3^rd party applications available on ovistore which can replace the void. Nokia has also promised that they will be revamping the browser in a firmware update.

The music player is very good. However it too is marred with minor glitches like not being able to add a track from the ‘recently added’ play list to a custom play list. You would have to find the song in ‘all songs/albums/artists’ menus to add to custom play list.

You get ovi suite 2.2.1.23 with the n8. The ovi suite is quick and efficient at syncing up your phone, backing it up, and updating it with the latest software. All in all the ovi suite is satisfactory with no obvious glitches.

Ovi store has some much needed applications for n8. like the opera browser which I mentioned previously. But the amount of applications available is woefully small. This may change with time however. The n8 supports most of s60v5 applications. So if you have bought something for your previous symbian phones you will be able to use it with your n8. Also Nokia has promised that all symbian 4 applications will also work on n8.

Verdict:

Nokia n8 is the best Nokia phone ever to have hit the markets. I sincerely recommend it to all nokia users. I would not advise the other brand users to shift to n8 right now. The n8 is complicated in some ways and symbian still isn’t newbie friendly. Is it an iphone killer? No. Iphone is a brand name for luxury now. Like Armani when it comes to apparel. Iphone will not be killed by anything unless they decide to mess it up themselves. However n8 is going to give the likes of Iphone , HTC desire and Samsung GalaxyS a run for their money. The fight back begins now!!!