How to make a HOUSE Episode

The main ingredient in a House episode: Super-achiever patient with some inherent character trait. This can be a good or bad trait. Like gambling or believing in the good Lord and praying! Doesn’t matter what it is so long as House can hate it. In rare occasions the patient can be mentally ill and House may end up actually liking the patient.

The episode begins with the super-achiever (it can range anything from a really hardworking single mom who fends for and feeds 2 hungry children or a really intelligent college girl who has got straight As from grade 1 or even Haley Joel Osment from The Sixth Sense.)

For this episode let us consider its Haley Osment. So Haley is doing something really kick-ass (like winning an oscar or making pancakes or seeing dead people or maybe even watching an American pie movie. You get the point) when suddenly out of nowhere BOOM he clutches his chest and falls to the ground.

Intro Music Time!!

In comes Dr. Gregory House. Now depending upon which season you are watching there may be a varying number of qualified M.D doctors at Dr. House’s disposal. And they will all wait like 3^rd semester undergraduate medical students with the patient history.

At this point it is essential to understand the role that each person fulfills in the team.

1) The Hot chick: This chick is usually the humanitarian and will constantly pester House into making the morally sound decisions. It will remain dubious for a long time whether she has any romantic feelings for House. And just when you get your hopes up she will turn out to be lesbian/bisexual/married/dead.

2)The White Guy: Usually the dumb guy. Will make most of the mistakes and House will rag him the most. You can trust this guy to take the wrong history, do the wrong tests and come up with the wrong diagnosis. Basically this is the guy who took a few extra years to clear his MD course. This person is of no consequence to the entire scheme of things but is simply put in there for comic relief. Like perhaps Rob Schneider in Adam Sandler movies. Or Johnny Lever in Bollywood movies. His absolute incompetence makes him the adoring Robin to House’s Batman. In short he is the faithful sidekick who will never complain.

3) The Black Guy: This dude is even dumber. He will repeatedly have the “But House, that test could kill him!” dialogue. Sometimes more than once in a single episode. And just for the record, no it won’t kill him. No test House ever prescribes can kill a patient. The laws of medical science bend to accommodate House’s diagnosis! Other than that this doctor is of no consequence either.

4) Kal Penn: It took the producers an entire season to figure out that Kal Penn’s character was not doing anything in particular. It was just a case of brown guy being an additional white guy! Kal Penn would like you to believe that it was the job in white house which made him leave the series.

As I said the team will sit twiddling their thumbs until House comes. Alternatively they can abuse each other or House behind his back They will then all tell House how Haley’s heart seems to be failing. This is how the standard conversation goes from there.

Hot Chick: House we have Haley Joel Osment who had angina and was admitted. The kid can apparently see dead people.

House: You are wearing red lipstick and some of it is smudged. You were kissing the white guy weren’t you?

Hot Chick: That’s none of your business! Coming back to the patient, he presented with angina yesterday and…

House: I’m not taking this case!

Hot Chick: But house he could die!

House: Aww okay I’l take the case if you promise to open your blouse.

Chick: *rolls eyes*

White Guy: But he can see dead people!!

House: Okay okay! Guys go do a basic blood workup. We need to know if it’s an infection or an autoimmune condition

(Now in any other hospital with half competent doctors these tests would already be done on admission but as I said the twiddling of thumbs is more important and needs to be done on a priority basis)

House: Also do the stress test and see if he gets another cardiac arrest.

Black Guy: But House that could kill him!!!

House: Congratulations for pointing out the obvious. You can do the tests yourself!

Here comes the only variation in the series. This 10 minute period of the episode can vary quite a bit actually. Possible things which can happen in this space are

1) Wilson getting raped by House

2) Wilson finding a girlfriend whom House hates

3) Wilson not finding a girlfriend whom House can hate

4) Cuddy finding a boyfriend whom House hates

5) Cuddy not finding anybody whom House can hate

6) Any other member of the team getting into any sort of social conduct or misconduct or exchange, which will irk House

7) House on clinic duty

Any option you choose, House will take personal insult and snoop around and meddle in things in such a way as to embarrass Peeves from Harry Potter series! He will be an utter and a complete jerk and some how bring more misery to those around him.

Examples of Variations:

1) House VS Wilson

House walks into Wilson’s office. Wilson is usually found in his office writing something. Maybe he just likes to write stuff in his diary. Anyway back to the story.

House walks into Wilson’s office.

House: I know you are cheating on your wife.

Wilson: What makes you say that!

House: Well what were you doing last night?

Wilson: I was with my wife!

House: No you weren’t. I was with your wife last night. And you weren’t there. Maybe you were in the closet watching us. Come out of the closet Wilson everyone knows you have the hots for me!

Wilson: ???

2)House vs Cuddy

Cuddy walks into House’s office while house is playing with his walking stick and a ball.

Cuddy: You are not doing the stress test on Haley.

House: Only if you let me touch that fine posterior of yours.

Cuddy: House NO. YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO THAT TEST. It’s too risky. There are other alternatives to that test.

House: Fine but why are you here.

Cuddy: What?

House: You could have told me this on a phone.

Cuddy: Yeah but…

House: Admit it you have the hots for me just like Wilson

Cuddy: ???

3)House on Clinic Duty

Patient: Doctor when I pee I end up wetting my pants!

House: Have you tried opening your zipper?

Patient: By golly that could actually work!! You are brilliant Doctor!!

Meanwhile Black guy is with Haley Joel Osment.

Black Guy: Okay now I’m going to run some tests on you.

Haley: Will they hurt.

Black guy: Not really.

Haley: Just gimme a sec to wipe my nose. Its been bleeding for quite some time now.

Black Guy: what???

*massive hematemesis*

Black Guy: Nurse, nurse we need help here!

*cowers like a little girl*

Nurse: What does this mean doctor.

Black Guy: It means that its not what we thought it was!!

We shift to House and his team meeting Part Deux

Black Guy: Okay now his lungs are failing too!

House: What can cause heart and lungs to fail?

White Guy: It could be that his failing heart caused his lung to fail. Cor Pulmonale or Congestive cardiac failure maybe. (Both diagnoses are wrong obviously, it’s the white guy! He’s never correct)

Black Guy: No a kid as young and talented as Haley cant have that.

House: Whitie you go run the tests for heart some more. Blackie you go poke the kids lung with a stick.

Black Guy: But House, that could kill him!!

House: Just do it already. Hot chick you come with me. We are going to bust into the kids home without any sort of legal permission or license and snoop around like Scooby Doo and his friends.

Chick: What do you suspect it is?

House: Von spooklocks disease!

Rest of the team: Oh yeah! Why didn’t we think of that!!

Now it doesn’t matter what the disease is. Because chances are if you have not seen that House episode you have never heard of that 1 in a million condition. But that doesn’t deter House in making that one in a million diagnosis.

While House and the hot chick are getting all comfy in Haleys house. Black guy comes to Haley.

Black Guy: Now im going to run some more tests on you.

Haley: Aww again! Please go away doctor. Every time you touch patients they start bleeding from their orifices! See now I’m peeing blood!!

Black Guy: Nurse, nurse we need help here!

*cowers like a little girl again*

Nurse: What does this mean Doctor.

Black Guy: You idiot!! It means that its not what we thought it was!!

House and his team meeting part 3

Black Guy: His kidneys are failing as well and he has hematuria(blood in his urine)

House: What causes heart, lung, and kidney damage?

White Guy: If we knew we wouldn’t be working for you!

Hot Chick: What about Amyloidosis?

House: No no that’s too easy. That would be more suitable for a Grey’s Anatomy episode. We need to incise his abdomen gain access to his kidneys and tickle them with a goose feather!

Black Guy: But House, that could kill him!!

House: You are an idiot

Black Guy: You know you are going to need Cuddy’s permission to do that though.

House VS Cuddy

House: I need permission.

Cuddy: For what?

House: To touch your boobs.

Cuddy: Permission denied. What else?

House: I also wanted to tickle my patient’s kidneys with a goose feather.

Cuddy: House, that could kill him!!

House: The black guy already tried that answer. I need that permission Mommy. Please let me do it. Just once.

Cuddy: House NO!! There are a million other safer tests. This is utterly unadvisable. And for the last time Im not your mommy!

*House has an epiphany*

Cuddy: House are you listening to me? Where are you going? Donot carry out that retarded test. HOUSE!!

House meets Haley

House: Sometimes when you are alone you think about girls and touch yourself don’t you?

Haley: Yeah. But how does that affect my case?

House: It doesn’t. I just wanted to ask you an uncomfortable question.

Haley: wtf!!

House: You lied to us.

Haley: What do you mean.

House: Your mother.

Haley: What about her

House: You lied to us about your mother. I checked your social records. Your mother isn’t who you say it is. You were born to Cher weren’t you? That’s why you were bleeding from your urethra. Infact you are related to Lady Gaga too aren’t you?

Haley: I didn’t think that would be consequential to my case. I’m so embarrassed!!

House: I know! We thought you had Von Spooklocks disease. But you don’t. You have Van speaksless disease. It is caused by having a white trash tramp for a mother. Fortunately due to my timely epiphany we aren’t late and can heal you with steroids.

Haley: Does this mean I won’t see dead people anymore?

House: No you can pretty much see Bruce Willis anytime you want.

Hallelujah another case solved!!!

This article was meant purely for comic relief. I do not intend to hurt any person or belief. No copyright infringement was intended. If any of the aforementioned has happened you have my apologies. Kindly inform me of the grievance caused, if any and I shall try to rectify its cause.