Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
The League of EVIL
50 miles into Romania
after crossing the border from Ukraine
one will come across the Carpathian Mountains .
At the foothill of the range lies a sleepy little village whose name is lost in
history. The village once thrived on animal husbandry. But people have long
since given up their homes and left for better places. Not that the village is
bad in itself but it has the vilest, most malevolent presence in it. At the
centre of the village lies a massive decadent castle. The very sight of the
castle can send shivers down the spine of the bravest warrior. But the castle
pales in comparison to what lies inside. For inside it sleeps the beast. The
castle is the residence of none other than Count Dracula!
Long ago Lord Dracula decided that if “good” had to be defeated
then all that was against it had to unite. And thus he sent invitations to a
handpicked lot which comprised of pure evil! Spurred on by common interests,
the desire to conquer the world and a particular episode of Spongebob
Squarepants the invitees agreed to join the Count in his mission and thus was
born The League of E.V.I.L.
8th
Annual EVILmeet
Everyone had gathered for the meet. The dignitaries were
seated at their places around the large table in the meeting room. The
chattering and merriment that would otherwise have enveloped the table was
somehow missing. A string of recent failures to beat the “good” guys had
everyone in a pensive mood. The chair at the head of the table was
conspicuously empty. Only the Count was yet to join the table.
Suddenly the massive oak wood door at the back of the room
opened with an almighty groan and in walked the Count. The result being that
everyone sat up straight in their seats, except for Sauron who was physically
incapable of doing so.
“Ladies and gentlemen”, said the Count in his thick Romanian
accent taking his seat.
*cough…..deep breathing sound….cough*
Everyone stared at Darth Vader. It was not everyday that
someone mustered enough courage to interrupt the Count.
“Do you have something to say Lord Vader?” asked Dracula his
eyebrows raised.
“Indeed” said Lord Vader taking an elaborate pause to take a
deep breath “You keep referring to us as ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ and yet in the
past 8 years I have never seen a lady at this table! These meetings are nothing
short of sausage fests!” The room was filled with a brief ‘yeas’ of agreement.
“Gentlemen….gentlemen my apologies” said the Count irately.
“But you all know what happened when we considered adding women to our roster
last year. Only 2 women classified to be evil enough to join our prestigious
group, the Wicked Witch of West and the white witch of Narnia.”
“We all unanimously voted against the Wicked Witch on
account of her being ugly. And I have to regretfully announce today that
despite one year of constant attempts at correspondence from my side the White
Witch has not replied to a single mail from me. At this point I’m afraid she
might get a restraining order against me!”
There was a collective sigh of discontent around the table.
“Well we could ask Megan Fox to join us” said Galacticus in
his crackling voice. It was everybody’s turn to stare at Galacticus now.
“Megan Fox?” asked Dracula with incredulity in his voice.
“Yes Megan Fox. I just saw this movie called Jennifer’s
Body. And in my honest opinion I found her to be quite deliciously evil in it.”
“And she haz a beeuziful body to go wiz it” chipped in
Hitler in his chirpy voice thick with the German accent.
“Hmmm. Indeed. That does seem to be a pretty good idea
Galacticus. All those in favor of inviting Megan Fox to join us say ‘aye’” said
the Count.
“AYE” echoed everyone around the table. Some of the cheer
which was lost in the wake of the string of embarrassments in recent battles seemed
to come back.
“And now” said the Count quieting everyone “moving on to the
purpose of this meet. I have 2 major things to discuss today. Firstly as
president of our organization I have taken the liberty to invite a new member
to our group. I’m sure you have all heard of him and you shall all welcome him
warmly. Everyone, give a loud round of applause to our newest member ‘He who
must not be named’ Lord Voldemort! I give to you Tom Riddle gentlemen! I only ask you not to stare at his nose, or the lack of it” The count chuckled to himself.
All gazes turned to the thus far silent hooded figure in the
corner. Voldemort got up took a small bow and began his acceptance speech with
a grin. “Thank you dear Count for having me in this…”
“This guy? Seriously?” interrupted Sauron. “Everything he
does is nothing but a rip off of my career. And his biggest enemy is a small
boy. The worst part is that the boy seems to whoop his arse every time. Every
single time! I see no reason why we should add someone so inept into our clan.”
Everyone looked at the tension building up between the 2
Dark Lords.
“Well” said Voldemort finally “at least I don’t get my ass
whooped by two fat hobbits.”
“Hoohoohahahahahhaha” the Joker started laughing and with
him the entire room broke into laughter. “Oh snap!! Burn!” shouted Hitler.
Egged on by the encouraging laughter Voldemort continued “I
mean you are a giant eye. Could you not see the two of them walking into your
kingdom?”
“Off course I saw them coming you fool!” shouted Sauron “I
saw them coming weeks in advance, but my army was far away fighting the humans.
And as you said I am but an eye. What was I going to do? STARE AT THEM TILL
DEATH!!!”
That last sentence seemed to fuel the laughter even further.
Accepting defeat for now Sauron sulked in his seat.
“Now with that issue settled shall we move on to the second
issue at hand. It is one of great personal interest to me” said Dracula
suddenly becoming solemn. “It has been brought to my attention that Vampires
have become insanely popular in recent times. And much of this popularity can
be traced back to one Mr. Edward Cullen of America
“Now normally I would be happy that someone of my kind is
famous. But there is adequate reason to believe that this Edward is not a
vampire at all. He claims to be over a hundred years old. He claims to sparkle in
sunlight rather than die. A stake through the heart does nothing to him. He drinks the blood of filthy animals. And
worst of all he seems to be in a physical relationship with a 17 year old minor
girl!”
“Zat’s dizgustin even by my stanzards” claimed Hitler amid a
shocked silence around the table.
“Indeed Herr Hitler” said the Count. “it is extremely
disturbing to me and my kind. I assume as a homosexual it must be insulting to
you too considering how ‘gay’ Edward is considered to be”
“For ze last time, I’m not gay. I was with a very beuziful
woman!”
“Yes Herr Hitler, I’m
sure you believe that” said the Count cutting Hitler short (no pun intended)
“Regardless we the consumers of blood have long been known for our cruelty and
treachery but never have we ever indulged in the heinous act of pedophilia! I
implore you gentlemen to help me rid this menace, these “Twilight Vampires” as
soon as possible”
Suddenly from nowhere the room was filled with a loud
screech. As if nails rubbing against a blackboard. Everyone at the table looked
in the direction of the noise startled.
“Wolverine?” asked Magneto. “what in heavens are you doing
here? How did you find us here?”
Indeed it was the one and only Wolverine. The loud screech
was made by his Adamantium claw leaving its mark on the metal frame of the
door.
“It does not matter how I found you guys out or how I got to
know of your little meeting here. What matters is the purpose of my coming
here” said Wolverine.
“Pray tell us what that purpose might be o rabid one” said
Dracula in his sickly sweet demeanor.
“An enemy of an enemy is a friend” began Wolverine “The
Cullens have angered me too. You ask me why? I will tell you why. For years I
have lived in the forest with my wife and I was not bothered by people. Utter
peace and bliss. All that changed with the Cullens moving into the town right
next to the forest. Now they keep prancing through. And they have these weird
werewolf people with whom they have a Westside story going on. The werewolves
have no sense of public decency. That Jacob Black fellow was prancing around
naked in front of my wife he was. That was the last straw. I want them dead
too. And I can get the job done for you but for a price”
“The self righteous Wolverine wants money for doing his
dirty work?” asked the Joker.
“Aren’t you the one who said that if you’re good at
something never do it for free?” asked Wolverine.
“Very well o rabid one” said Dracula “name your price. I am
sure this venture of ours shall be mutually profitable to both parties
involved.”
Both of them grinned connivingly….
TO BE CONTINUED???
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
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