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How Odysseus got his Groove Back

It had been years since the war began. Greek armies had taken the Trojan beaches and laid siege to the walls of Troy. That is when the stalemate had begun. Neither could the Greeks breach the walls, nor could the Trojans break the siege. The end of the current summer would mark an entire decade to the siege. Morale ran low among the Greek soldiers. They missed their wives, children, farms, homes. Some said the war would never end. Some said that the Greeks would never go home. And as time wore on they all grew weary. One such weary foot soldier Aeolus, sighed looking at the tent in which King Agamemnon had called a council of all the Banner Leaders and Lords in order to formulate their new strategy to impregnate Troy.

Aeolus one of personal guards to Odysseus stood outside the tent in the smoldering heat eager for the meeting to end. He was hungry and wanted his meal urgently. Daphis the Royal Guard to King Menelaus stood next to him, just as hungry but not as worried.

“Why so glum, my friend” Daphis asked the dejected Aeolus, “Missing Ithaca that much?”

“It’s not that” replied Aeolus. “It’s just that I’m so bloody ugly!”

“What are you talking about?” queried Daphis. “As I said, I’m bloody ugly!”

“Well of course you are. You are a soldier, not a parlor boy! You will have scars.” said Daphis.

“Achilles is a soldier too. Have you seen how he looks? Women flock to just get a glimpse of him. And then there are our enemies. Prince Hector and Paris make girls swoon like it’s a piece of cake. Not just that. Even Master Odysseus is infinitely more attractive than I am. Don’t even get me started on the women. Princess Andromache and Breseis are Hot with a capital H. Speaking of capital H, have you seen Helen? You worked in her court for King Menelaus. No wonder we are here fighting this war for her.” ranted Aeolus.

“There there Aeolus. Don’t beat yourself up.”

“I have to. I have to question what I am doing here. What do I get when I go back home. Agamemnon gets Troy, Menelaus gets Helen and I go back to that fat ugly cow that I call wife. I’m sure the past 10 years have done her looks even further harm.”

“Come now, surely you long to be in your wife’s arms sooner rather than later?” quizzed Dapis. Aeolus spat on the sand as a reply. “If that be the truth then tell me, why did you marry the dame in the first place?”

“I was hungry and her father, the butcher promised to give me a goat and a keg of ale.” replied Aeolus.

“So you married her? For that?” asked Daphis thoroughly puzzled.

“Aye.” said Aeolus. “I was hungry and not thinking straight. Once I had a hearty meal of goat meat and drank the ale, I seriously began regretting the decision. Growing up in Ithaca I learnt a few lessons. One of them, never cross large people who own meat cleavers. And the butcher was one of them. So I came home with the cow. I signed up for troy the very next week.”

“The woman whose oil painting you have in your tent is that your wife?” asked Daphis.

“Yes.”

“Dude, I would totally bang her.” said Daphis with a straight face.

“What the hell did you just say?” asked Aeolus.

“I said, I would totally bang her. She is chubby but has a big rack. I would do her till my loins ached.”

“You miserable twit. She may be a fat ugly cow, but she is MY fat ugly cow. I will gut you inside out for this!” shouted Aeolus unsheathing his broad sword.

“Come at me bro!” shouted Daphis unsheathing his sword in return.

Aeolus ran towards Daphis shouting like a savage. The other guardsmen outside the tent cheered on as the two dueled.

“You know I could make her happier in the sack than you ever could ‘little’ Aeolus” jabbed Daphis.

“You rascal! Inside Out! I will carve you inside out!!” screamed Aeolus taking another plunge at his former friend.

Inside the tent Agamemnon grew angry hearing the ruckus outside.

“What is going on out there?” he roared.

“The men grow weary, Your Grace.” said Odysseus. “The slightest thing sets them off nowadays.”

“Well what are they fighting about now?” asked the King.

“Well I could barely hear them from where I was.” said Achilles. “But it had something to do with goats cows and horses. Gutting them inside out or something like that.”

“Well tell them to control themselves or by the Gods, I will have them tied to a horse and send them as a gift to the Trojans!” barked the King now beside himself with anger.

Horse? Inside Out? Gift to the Trojans? Hmmmm…….

“Your Grace!” said Odysseus with a smile as if suddenly struck by a divine thought. “Forgive me for interrupting you. But I think I have an idea!”

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The League of EVIL

50 miles into Romania after crossing the border from Ukraine one will come across the Carpathian Mountains. At the foothill of the range lies a sleepy little village whose name is lost in history. The village once thrived on animal husbandry. But people have long since given up their homes and left for better places. Not that the village is bad in itself but it has the vilest, most malevolent presence in it. At the centre of the village lies a massive decadent castle. The very sight of the castle can send shivers down the spine of the bravest warrior. But the castle pales in comparison to what lies inside. For inside it sleeps the beast. The castle is the residence of none other than Count Dracula!

Long ago Lord Dracula decided that if “good” had to be defeated then all that was against it had to unite. And thus he sent invitations to a handpicked lot which comprised of pure evil! Spurred on by common interests, the desire to conquer the world and a particular episode of Spongebob Squarepants the invitees agreed to join the Count in his mission and thus was born The League of E.V.I.L.

8^th Annual EVILmeet

Everyone had gathered for the meet. The dignitaries were seated at their places around the large table in the meeting room. The chattering and merriment that would otherwise have enveloped the table was somehow missing. A string of recent failures to beat the “good” guys had everyone in a pensive mood. The chair at the head of the table was conspicuously empty. Only the Count was yet to join the table.

Suddenly the massive oak wood door at the back of the room opened with an almighty groan and in walked the Count. The result being that everyone sat up straight in their seats, except for Sauron who was physically incapable of doing so.

“Ladies and gentlemen”, said the Count in his thick Romanian accent taking his seat.

*cough…..deep breathing sound….cough*

Everyone stared at Darth Vader. It was not everyday that someone mustered enough courage to interrupt the Count.

“Do you have something to say Lord Vader?” asked Dracula his eyebrows raised.

“Indeed” said Lord Vader taking an elaborate pause to take a deep breath “You keep referring to us as ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ and yet in the past 8 years I have never seen a lady at this table! These meetings are nothing short of sausage fests!” The room was filled with a brief ‘yeas’ of agreement.

“Gentlemen….gentlemen my apologies” said the Count irately. “But you all know what happened when we considered adding women to our roster last year. Only 2 women classified to be evil enough to join our prestigious group, the Wicked Witch of West and the white witch of Narnia.”

“We all unanimously voted against the Wicked Witch on account of her being ugly. And I have to regretfully announce today that despite one year of constant attempts at correspondence from my side the White Witch has not replied to a single mail from me. At this point I’m afraid she might get a restraining order against me!”

There was a collective sigh of discontent around the table.

“Well we could ask Megan Fox to join us” said Galacticus in his crackling voice. It was everybody’s turn to stare at Galacticus now.

“Megan Fox?” asked Dracula with incredulity in his voice.

“Yes Megan Fox. I just saw this movie called Jennifer’s Body. And in my honest opinion I found her to be quite deliciously evil in it.”

“And she haz a beeuziful body to go wiz it” chipped in Hitler in his chirpy voice thick with the German accent.

“Hmmm. Indeed. That does seem to be a pretty good idea Galacticus. All those in favor of inviting Megan Fox to join us say ‘aye’” said the Count.

“AYE” echoed everyone around the table. Some of the cheer which was lost in the wake of the string of embarrassments in recent battles seemed to come back.

“And now” said the Count quieting everyone “moving on to the purpose of this meet. I have 2 major things to discuss today. Firstly as president of our organization I have taken the liberty to invite a new member to our group. I’m sure you have all heard of him and you shall all welcome him warmly. Everyone, give a loud round of applause to our newest member ‘He who must not be named’ Lord Voldemort! I give to you Tom Riddle gentlemen! I only ask you not to stare at his nose, or the lack of it” The count chuckled to himself.

All gazes turned to the thus far silent hooded figure in the corner. Voldemort got up took a small bow and began his acceptance speech with a grin. “Thank you dear Count for having me in this…”

“This guy? Seriously?” interrupted Sauron. “Everything he does is nothing but a rip off of my career. And his biggest enemy is a small boy. The worst part is that the boy seems to whoop his arse every time. Every single time! I see no reason why we should add someone so inept into our clan.”

Everyone looked at the tension building up between the 2 Dark Lords.

“Well” said Voldemort finally “at least I don’t get my ass whooped by two fat hobbits.”

“Hoohoohahahahahhaha” the Joker started laughing and with him the entire room broke into laughter. “Oh snap!! Burn!” shouted Hitler.

Egged on by the encouraging laughter Voldemort continued “I mean you are a giant eye. Could you not see the two of them walking into your kingdom?”

“Off course I saw them coming you fool!” shouted Sauron “I saw them coming weeks in advance, but my army was far away fighting the humans. And as you said I am but an eye. What was I going to do? STARE AT THEM TILL DEATH!!!”

That last sentence seemed to fuel the laughter even further. Accepting defeat for now Sauron sulked in his seat.

“Now with that issue settled shall we move on to the second issue at hand. It is one of great personal interest to me” said Dracula suddenly becoming solemn. “It has been brought to my attention that Vampires have become insanely popular in recent times. And much of this popularity can be traced back to one Mr. Edward Cullen of America.”

“Now normally I would be happy that someone of my kind is famous. But there is adequate reason to believe that this Edward is not a vampire at all. He claims to be over a hundred years old. He claims to sparkle in sunlight rather than die. A stake through the heart does nothing to him. He drinks the blood of filthy animals. And worst of all he seems to be in a physical relationship with a 17 year old minor girl!”

“Zat’s dizgustin even by my stanzards” claimed Hitler amid a shocked silence around the table.

“Indeed Herr Hitler” said the Count. “it is extremely disturbing to me and my kind. I assume as a homosexual it must be insulting to you too considering how ‘gay’ Edward is considered to be”

“For ze last time, I’m not gay. I was with a very beuziful woman!”

 “Yes Herr Hitler, I’m sure you believe that” said the Count cutting Hitler short (no pun intended) “Regardless we the consumers of blood have long been known for our cruelty and treachery but never have we ever indulged in the heinous act of pedophilia! I implore you gentlemen to help me rid this menace, these “Twilight Vampires” as soon as possible”

Suddenly from nowhere the room was filled with a loud screech. As if nails rubbing against a blackboard. Everyone at the table looked in the direction of the noise startled.

“Wolverine?” asked Magneto. “what in heavens are you doing here? How did you find us here?”

Indeed it was the one and only Wolverine. The loud screech was made by his Adamantium claw leaving its mark on the metal frame of the door.

“It does not matter how I found you guys out or how I got to know of your little meeting here. What matters is the purpose of my coming here” said Wolverine.

“Pray tell us what that purpose might be o rabid one” said Dracula in his sickly sweet demeanor.

“An enemy of an enemy is a friend” began Wolverine “The Cullens have angered me too. You ask me why? I will tell you why. For years I have lived in the forest with my wife and I was not bothered by people. Utter peace and bliss. All that changed with the Cullens moving into the town right next to the forest. Now they keep prancing through. And they have these weird werewolf people with whom they have a Westside story going on. The werewolves have no sense of public decency. That Jacob Black fellow was prancing around naked in front of my wife he was. That was the last straw. I want them dead too. And I can get the job done for you but for a price”

“The self righteous Wolverine wants money for doing his dirty work?” asked the Joker.

“Aren’t you the one who said that if you’re good at something never do it for free?” asked Wolverine.

“Very well o rabid one” said Dracula “name your price. I am sure this venture of ours shall be mutually profitable to both parties involved.”

Both of them grinned connivingly….

TO BE CONTINUED???

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