How Odysseus got his Groove Back

It had been years since the war began. Greek armies had taken the Trojan beaches and laid siege to the walls of Troy. That is when the stalemate had begun. Neither could the Greeks breach the walls, nor could the Trojans break the siege. The end of the current summer would mark an entire decade to the siege. Morale ran low among the Greek soldiers. They missed their wives, children, farms, homes. Some said the war would never end. Some said that the Greeks would never go home. And as time wore on they all grew weary. One such weary foot soldier Aeolus, sighed looking at the tent in which King Agamemnon had called a council of all the Banner Leaders and Lords in order to formulate their new strategy to impregnate Troy.

Aeolus one of personal guards to Odysseus stood outside the tent in the smoldering heat eager for the meeting to end. He was hungry and wanted his meal urgently. Daphis the Royal Guard to King Menelaus stood next to him, just as hungry but not as worried.

“Why so glum, my friend” Daphis asked the dejected Aeolus, “Missing Ithaca that much?”

“It’s not that” replied Aeolus. “It’s just that I’m so bloody ugly!”

“What are you talking about?” queried Daphis. “As I said, I’m bloody ugly!”

“Well of course you are. You are a soldier, not a parlor boy! You will have scars.” said Daphis.

“Achilles is a soldier too. Have you seen how he looks? Women flock to just get a glimpse of him. And then there are our enemies. Prince Hector and Paris make girls swoon like it’s a piece of cake. Not just that. Even Master Odysseus is infinitely more attractive than I am. Don’t even get me started on the women. Princess Andromache and Breseis are Hot with a capital H. Speaking of capital H, have you seen Helen? You worked in her court for King Menelaus. No wonder we are here fighting this war for her.” ranted Aeolus.

“There there Aeolus. Don’t beat yourself up.”

“I have to. I have to question what I am doing here. What do I get when I go back home. Agamemnon gets Troy, Menelaus gets Helen and I go back to that fat ugly cow that I call wife. I’m sure the past 10 years have done her looks even further harm.”

“Come now, surely you long to be in your wife’s arms sooner rather than later?” quizzed Dapis. Aeolus spat on the sand as a reply. “If that be the truth then tell me, why did you marry the dame in the first place?”

“I was hungry and her father, the butcher promised to give me a goat and a keg of ale.” replied Aeolus.

“So you married her? For that?” asked Daphis thoroughly puzzled.

“Aye.” said Aeolus. “I was hungry and not thinking straight. Once I had a hearty meal of goat meat and drank the ale, I seriously began regretting the decision. Growing up in Ithaca I learnt a few lessons. One of them, never cross large people who own meat cleavers. And the butcher was one of them. So I came home with the cow. I signed up for troy the very next week.”

“The woman whose oil painting you have in your tent is that your wife?” asked Daphis.

“Yes.”

“Dude, I would totally bang her.” said Daphis with a straight face.

“What the hell did you just say?” asked Aeolus.

“I said, I would totally bang her. She is chubby but has a big rack. I would do her till my loins ached.”

“You miserable twit. She may be a fat ugly cow, but she is MY fat ugly cow. I will gut you inside out for this!” shouted Aeolus unsheathing his broad sword.

“Come at me bro!” shouted Daphis unsheathing his sword in return.

Aeolus ran towards Daphis shouting like a savage. The other guardsmen outside the tent cheered on as the two dueled.

“You know I could make her happier in the sack than you ever could ‘little’ Aeolus” jabbed Daphis.

“You rascal! Inside Out! I will carve you inside out!!” screamed Aeolus taking another plunge at his former friend.

Inside the tent Agamemnon grew angry hearing the ruckus outside.

“What is going on out there?” he roared.

“The men grow weary, Your Grace.” said Odysseus. “The slightest thing sets them off nowadays.”

“Well what are they fighting about now?” asked the King.

“Well I could barely hear them from where I was.” said Achilles. “But it had something to do with goats cows and horses. Gutting them inside out or something like that.”

“Well tell them to control themselves or by the Gods, I will have them tied to a horse and send them as a gift to the Trojans!” barked the King now beside himself with anger.

Horse? Inside Out? Gift to the Trojans? Hmmmm…….

“Your Grace!” said Odysseus with a smile as if suddenly struck by a divine thought. “Forgive me for interrupting you. But I think I have an idea!”